Thursday, April 30, 2009

Punched for a What?

Last weekend was Nicky Freitag's Bachelor party. Held in Baltimore, Maryland, or as we call it, Balmore, all the usual suspects from high school showed up for a very memorable evening. Shenanigans were had, beers were drank, and women were certainly gawked at. I find being married keeps things on even keel because it's easy to stare, but you don't have to do anything about it. It's like being in middle school again. Except you're just not afraid that you'll mess up if you get a chance, because the chance came and went when you said, "I do". My dad calls it window shopping.

A recounting of the night is illegal, but there were highlights...

1) Skinny Rob trying to fight the large African American scalper over ticket prices in front of Camden Yard Stadium. This resulted in the rent a cops "Holding Him Back". Rob...145lbs of financial wizardry. Stick to Finance man, not drunken Balmore fights.

2) Taking our 10 dollar scalped tickets and sitting 10 rows behind first base 15 people deep.

3) Seeing the various Blackberry and iPhone snapshots of the lucky fella receiving a "Blumpkin". We aren't' sure who he was, but we were happy to see such a thing is not just an Urban Legend.

4) Being punched at (with closed fist action) by a girl who was mad I stole her dildo hat...

What? You read right. As the night wound to an epic close, I thought it necessary to pal up with the bachelorette party at the club we were all partaking at. Throughout the night our party got along swell with their party. Let alone until I spotted a really angry looking petite blond stuffed sadly in the corner, who was wearing a dildo hat (yes, you heard it right, Dildo Hat).

Stupidly, I decided to take it, smile at her, and do some cute little "Dildo Dance". She being unamused, took to cocking back her fist, putting all of her 110lb frame behind that little arm of hers, and swinging for the fences (The fences being my purty little face). Thankfully both blows glanced off my left cheek. Instinctively, and rather slowly, I swatted her hand away after she went for thirds. Foreseeing violent retaliation would land me in the clink, I grabbed her Buffalo Babe colleague, stood behind her, and said, "Hold her back, protect me, she's gone wild"...thus infuriating "Little Miss Sunshine" beyond angry face recognition.

As her "Posse" held her back, I made my escape into the herd of drunken buffoons and retreated to the hotel, finding the last slice of late night pizza, grabbed a "beer for bed", and drifted off in front of "Baseball Tonight".

Fortunately, my buddy Drew and I left the weekend of bedlam a day early in order to go back home to our wives. I say fortunate because Saturday's activity involved betting on horses. If you know me, I hate to lose, and when I lose, I bet more.

We both had our obligations, Drew had his eighth wedding anniversary, and I had yard work "date weekend". I felt like "Frank the Tank" telling his pals, "I can't drink tonight, me and the wife have a nice little day planned, Home Depot, Bed Bath and Beyond...I'm not sure what we'll get to, I'm not sure if we'll have enough time".

But I must say, it was really nice to see the guys from high school. Hell, I hadn't seen most of them in 8 years, and like life, everything changes, but stays a little bit the same. Some guys were married, some with children, some still single. Most importantly, they were still the same old guys who always had your back, the only difference is that we had gotten just a little bit older.


  1. I think that makes two straight bachelor parties where somebody took a swing at you...

  2. Yeah, I shoulda hit you back, but I figured I probably deserved it, and well, figured I didn't want my groomsmen to have bruises on their faces ;)